This afternoon I told Kagen that she needed to lay down and get some rest so she could be ready for gymnastics. She in turn said, "I love gymnastics!" To which I replied, "You're really good at it!" Then she said something that stuck with me. And she has said similar things before. She said, "Yeah, I am." She wasn't saying it to brag on herself, because frankly she's 5 and I doubt a 5 year knows the concept of bragging. She is confident in herself. She feels good about herself. She doesn't think negative thoughts about her hair color, the way she looks, she way she talks. None of this crosses that precious 5 year old's mind. All her thoughts about herself are good.
I am so happy that she feels so good about herself. Then I realize, I am not confident in myself. I can't imagine how sad I must make God feel when He hears me speak ugly things about myself. He made me! I am attacking His creation. Oh my. I would be so heartbroken if I ever heard one of my girls say something ugly about themselves.
I use to be that confident little 5 year old and somewhere along the way she disappeared. I can't take a compliment without throwing a negative about myself out there. I sometimes worry that if I just say, "Thank you", they will think, "Well isn't she full of herself?" (I am an OVER thinker y'all)
I look at others and say, "Her nose is so cute! Why can't I have a cute nose like that!?" Or, "I wish my hair as beautiful as hers!" My husband tells me all the time how pretty he thinks I am. And what do I do? Slam it down with a, "whatever", "oh yeah right". The man married me. Obviously he is fond of me so why do I act like that? On several occasions he has said, "It makes me mad when you talk about my wife like that." Wow. He's right. If someone were to talk so badly about me to him, he would have a fit! I am attacking the woman he married and loves.
Self-confidence is something I've been working on for years. I've prayed about it. Oh how I have prayed. Let me tell you sisters, prayer works. I pray for confidence. Confidence in myself and the way I feel about myself as a mother as well. Because I certainly look at other moms and think, "Wow. They are a great mom. Geez I stink at this."
Why are we as women so hard on ourselves? Why do we compare? And listen, I am the worlds worst at comparing. I always feel like I'm being judged by what I say, what I'm wearing, how I act and so on. But, why?! Why on earth do I care so much? A big part is that I want to be liked. The thought of someone not liking me, makes my stomach turn. I want to fix it and make them love me. But honestly, I shouldn't seek the approval of anyone other than the Lord. If someone doesn't like me because of the way I dress or look, then so be it!
I pray that my girls can grow up being confident in themselves. But, how can they when they hear Mom tearing herself apart? Recently, Kagen made a joke about her being fat. I quickly reminded her how it was not funny nor something to talk about. But where did she hear it? From her own Mom. Never in a million years would I think my baby girl would hear me say these things about myself. I realized I am so quick to point out flaws on myself, I don't even realize little ears are listening.
Confidence in myself and feeling good about myself is something I need to pray for daily. When I don't, those negative thoughts and feelings about myself creep in and boy can they escalade quickly. I want to be the Mom that is confident in herself. I want to show my girls that I am happy with myself. This is how God made me and who am I to attack His work?
I pray now for the protection of my sweet innocents girls' hearts. I know there will come a day when they will lose some of that confidence. I pray that when others try to attack them with their mean words, they can look at their Momma and see a strong confident woman and strive the be like that. I pray they are not the ones that attack others either. Oh my soul, I can't imagine how much hurt that would do to my momma heart. I also don't want my girls to ever come across better than anyone, with their confidence. I know that this is all a very fine line between the two. I pray that they keep those sweet tender hearts and love one another just as they love themselves.
If you haven't already, watch this video. It's been circulating Facebook lately. It really had me thinking about this very subject, then with the conversation I had with Kagen, I knew I had to write.
Psalm 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
